Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Lazy

The other week I hadn’t done any work my reason was my ankle was bad ad this put me on a downer. My tutor had a moan at me and called me lazy, she asked what I do all day and I struggled to answer it. Since then I am finding that I am getting annoyed with wasting my days. Me and Mike also been looking at mortgages and basically without me having a job we cant get a decent mortgage together so I have gone fully into job hunting mode. But this in itself is hard. All I really know is hospital care assistant and I don’t think I am up to this yet so I am hard on myself when it asks for things I just think I am not good enough. The job market is hard and I am just worried my application will always be passed off as I haven’t worked for 3 years now. There are so many jobs that I don’t think I’m good at or qualified for that I am not bothering to apply for. Is this protecting myself or just lazy I don’t want to try. I don’t want to work I am comfortable with money at the mo but I want to be living with Mike, this pack horse back and forth isn’t doing me any good.

In other news its 4 weeks now since I hurt my ankle and still in pain with it. Gp just said be patient. its really getting me down I have so may plans for exercise and I just cant.

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Falling to Piecies

I am falling to pieces

Just over a week ago as I was walking down my stairs with the rubbish on my way out I lost my balance and feel Forward down the stairs, putting my left foot out to try and land on my feet, epic fail, my ankle gave way landing on my hands and knees. Pain in my ankle straight away, but me being me pulled myself together and drove to my parents. By the time I got there the pain was unbelievable, I was praying that I didn’t need to put my foot on the clutch but at rush hour through town that’s not going to happen. Once at home sock was taken off and a big bumb was seen. I was off for an X-ray.

At the hospital the x-ray was fine but all I was told was I could go as it was ok. I couldn’t walk. Mike had crutches at home luckily.  The swelling and bruising since there has got worse and I still cant drive and still in pain 10 days after injury. Now I am just fed up. I am meant to be exercising to loose weight and I am struggling to get up the stairs.

A little injury for some has triggered a downer, I am just fed up of my body failing me, and since then my diet has been suffering. I feel like a failure. I dropped dinner the other night I cried my eyes out.

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Family

Over the past few months I have been seeing less and less of my family, the roles that my mum did have no been replaced ad Mike does them or help me to do them. I think she has found this difficult and is taking it out on me. Every time I see her he makes comments at me, moans about something I have done, has no faith in me and can make personal comments about me. At the moment it is getting too much for me and Mike because I am coming home ad moaning to her.

My birthday was almost the final straw. I was not given my presents or even cards from my proper family until the evening or even got  a text from them so the things I had were from Mikes family and all there presents were so me and even people who I only met once sent me a card I feel so humbled by them. When It came to the evening meal I was given my presents and received few pairs of socks and a bracelet that so isnt me from my mum and I thought she knew I didn’t like that sort of thing and to be told you can pick something out as I didn’t know what else to get you when I had been telling them for weeks ideas. My sister got me few more bits that granted was more me but again had no idea what else to buy me. I don’t like picking out my own presents that isn’t the point of Birthday presents, might as well give me the money. I had asked my mum for a cake expecting a home made cake but it was not it was a 3 weeks out of date shop brought cake that was just handed to me. It was stale so had a piece and threw it away. When I told Mum this she didn’t say sorry or I will bake you another it was just ohh OK. We had a meal out my Dad had the biggest quota of the £92 bill and me and Mike spent about £25 between us as we shared starter and main course, I was told Mike was part of the family now and he didn’t have to pay his bit but a few days ago my mum just demanded £15 towards the meal when she hasn’t asked my sister for it.

At Christmas Mum made comments about how big I am and how much I eat so this week we have started being healthy and mum just commented How can you, you have no will power. This really hurt me I know I struggle to loose weight but it doesn’t stop me trying and allot of this is to do with my medication so my aim is to improve fitness and have a healthy lifestyle. My mum is always questioning what I have eaten both when I go out and at home ad if I go a little off healthy for example having a pudding she makes comments. At times she has come to my flat whilst I’m not here ad she snoops around in bins and in my post and its like being grilled when she finds something.

Housing sore subject at the moment, me and Mike want to buy a house together but my mum almost wants to control that she believes that we are not saving enough for it and we wont be able to afford the house we want, we have done our sums and looked up the options and we can afford a nice house on shared ownership. She doesn’t understand shared ownership but still tries to tell us what we have read it wrong. The location of our house is a sore subject she wants me in Trowbridge for her reasoning whos going to look after the hamster or child when Im ill, she cant just pop around if we are somewhere else. But for us we want a house in a nice area with good transport links for both us and Mikes family and this might not include Trowbridge, there are other towns around which are closer to his parents, close enough to work or even open new places for us to work and that are cheaper.

I pay housekeeping to my mum it was more for when I was more reliant and she would do odd jobs for me like my washing or hoovering as she was my main carer so to speak. Now Mike does those for me but my mum still is demanding housekeeping. I have said I am going to do my washing at Mikes now and therefore I shouldn’t be paying her, and she mumbled along like she needs that money. I feel like I should ask for all my savings she has for me and put in Mikes account. It mine and I have a right to ask for it when I want and she shouldn’t rely on my money to support her. If she isn’t getting enough money herself its her and Dads problem not mine.

Last night I got my presents from Louise for my Birthday and she’s made comments about all of it it seems for example got fun little bubbles that should go to the Children’s Centre of given to some children as I wont use it, a tin of biscuits should be kept for when I get visitors or given to them as I shouldn’t have biscuits in the house.

Another rant, Me and Mike spend allot of time together but we still live in our own houses and mum is paranoid I am being watched and they might think we are living together when we are not. Yes I keep a few clothes at his house but only a few days worth of pants ans socks and supply of emergency drugs. It is the same here Mike doesn’t have much around anyway. She has told me I should leave my car at mine more so they think Im in but anyone to complain would have to associate that car with me and therefore my flat, most people you see once and have no idea what flat your in.

I wonder why I bother being nice to them or make an effort to do things with them when all they do is moan at me

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2014-A Year in Review

So I looked back on my aims and well I failed most of them but this year has had its challenges and its postives. just 6 months ago I was fighting with myself to stay alive but now I want to grow old with someone. But that doesn’t mean I am cured.

I still do have severe mental health problems and there are days when I want to be in my bubble and not even Mike can get in but theses are less than the beginning of the year. I am achieving more in the day but still struggle with belonging in society.

I honestly can say I found the one I love and can’t spend more than the working day without him, he is the reason I am trying to get better I want to make a life with him. I do wonder though where our relationship will be next year in the ways of will we have our house together and where.

My asthma has been up and down though I have made no progress I feel I can start to trust my consultants and when in a comfortable environment that admissions can be manageable and less stressed. I do hope like every year that things next year will get better. Though I do have more answers the cure/management is yet to be found.

Family dynamics have changed I’m not sure if it’s me looking at the relationships closer or comparing it to other families. Or maybe they have changed I just don’t know what to think I just know it is hard and some days I do wonder if it’s worth me trying.

My weight hasn’t changed if anything it’s got worse I’m not making excuses but I didn’t want the extra pressure but now I think a certain person see’s it as I wasn’t trying. Weight loss on medications is almost impossible so I need to change my mindset away from pounds lost to the changes in me for example getting on my bike. The weight may come off it may not but who cares when someone loves you whatever size and your happy in your skin.

I have achieved some things; more modules of OU completed, my nvq is finished which means I have started to look for the right job, I have visited some lovely places and walked more than I have done for a while.

So as 2015 approaches who knows what is to come.

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Christmas

This years Christmas will be different not all in a positive way, It will be the first with Mike and that has had its own challenges by trying to please both our families but giving us time together and it will be the first the family is broken up due to my Uncle , the one who in the past has brought the family together wont be there. Christmas for us will start on Christmas eve, with drinks and nibbles at Mums and will be playing board games (only time they come out) before waking up in my house on Christmas day for a quick present opening between me & Mike before heading back to my mums to have my family present opening. We will be spending Christmas Lunch (but time is more afternoon) at Roses house with my Grandparents and don’t know who else is coming. It be the first time I have to introduce Mike to others! Then driving to Cheltenham to spend the next 3 days with his family for his Dads birthday, included in our trip is meeting Mikes younger cousins who are apparently going to interview me! Then back to my parents for the Christmas roast (Dad said it had to be done) before get some time to ourselves before my Birthday.

I am scared about Christmas, not so much my family bits but am worried about my Dad having a barney, I’m not worried about Mike meeting my family as I think he will be fine with them as the Pomroys are a friendly bunch! I am worried about his family although they are lovely and get one well I have never stayed with them or spent more than 8 hours with them. His parents house is posh and worried about being able to relax. We have said we will have to go out for a little walk at some point to get some fresh air and some time alone! I know things will be fine but I do get anxious over the unknown!

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Impact of Hospitals on Relationships

I have had another hospital admission recently and because of rubbish treatment by a local paramedic I didn’t want to go anywhere local I went to Southampton. The admission itself it nothing to shout about but what I was thinking was what effect being in hospital has when you are in a relationship. I used to be happy with ED by myself but the few times Mikes been with me it seems easier, Yes I still get anxious over getting the treatment I know works and anxious over getting lines in but I seem to manage it better I get more anxious when he leaves that suddenly things will change. I dread him leaving me, in case something happens and I cant fight for myself. I think having him with me means I am not the one having to fight, Mike knows all the answers to the questions and is willing to upset them in order to get me better. Once on the ward I long for him to come to see me, its like when we first met I am checking my phone waiting, longing for that text. Visiting all I want is to cry into his arms and him to hug it all better. I never managed to cry out all going through my head. When he leaves I miss him more than ever and then I cry to myself. Being in hospital, with him at home I get even more frustrated and down with the fact I am back and even more determined I need to get better.

On Mikes side he hasn’t said much on how it effects him, he hates seeing me unwell and knowing there isn’t anything he can do to make it better, he hates leaving me he just wants me back with him hugging in bed its the small things he misses such as waiting for him when he gets home from work. He grabs things to eat on the go as he doesn’t want to waste time he can spend with me, he hardly sleeps as he’s driving to see me and when gets home he misses me too.

Will have to see what effect time has on our relationship when I’m ill or if things will change when nearer to home

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Roast Dinner

Tonight I cooked Roast Bacon Joint, with roast potatoes, parsnips, leeks, carrots, cauliflower cheese and Yorkshire puddings and it all came out on time, only thing was the parsnips needed longer. Involved allot of alarms being set. Bucket list tick !

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Maybe it was Meant to Be?

All around me through talking of little things reminds me of the place Mentally I have been through this year, I still don’t regret it as I finally got the help I needed but I still wonder why I still here and why I ended up where I did. Now something is putting the pieces together one of the places I ended up was so close to mike and now he is here helping me maybe I was trying to find him maybe he’s the one for me and he’s my knight!

I have been unwell for about a week he’s been great to cooking roughly to what I plan. He’s been sorting out things around the house when I’ve woken up in the night wheezy he has been to. It feels right

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So…..

I havent blogged really as I haven’t been bothered! But there been lots of little things really

Asthma

Well I took Mike down with me to my consultants appointment for moral support and in case I needed to fight, well I didn’t need to fight. He said Yes I do have severe asthma but what makes is difficult to treat is that he believes that I have a bug in my lungs that builds up and triggers a immune response that shows itself as an asthma attack. This is why steroids when I am going down hill haven’t been that useful and why my admissions are so regular. The next step is to find what bug it is and what mediation controls it, this is looking at my prevous bronch results and may need to repeat it. We need to improve my immune system by getting off prednislone ideally but need to have a test to check for adrenal insuffientcy and talked about IGG infusions. The first step is antibiotic nebulisers (urgh I hate them!) and he talked about what else we could try including IV antibiotics or Regular admissions. It all sounds positive but I always wonder if it will continue as things and attitudes will change from one appointment to the next.

Mental Health

Well it was hard coming off the venaflaxine, I was back to my crazier self. On a number of nights I struggled and needed Mikes support and physical barrier to get me through. Im on my new medication and though things have picked up not enough for the pysch team to be happy and so they are adding in antipyscotics. I thought this was the option I wanted over Lithium but reading through the list of side effects I’m not sure I want it but going to try but if the effects are not worth the side effects I will say! I saw a LIFT practitioner and she wasn’t helpful but I have to show willing to make myself better.

OU

well I am finding this module hard, I always do to start with as takes me a while to get into it. I am feeling at the moment that Graduation is a long time away and if its worth the effort especially if I lose my funding.

Relationships

The relationship with my mum at the moment is hard as she is finding it hard with me spending more time with Mike, so sometimes it comes across as nagging when she does see me. I am trying to say when Im free and doing something with her and my sister but when they both work its hard. My relationship with Mike is going well, though it was tested with our first argument, was over the mess I make when I cook, though was more he was stressed because of work and I was over sensitive and in Becky argument fashion once one things comes out it all comes out cue me storming off for a walk becoming wheezy coming back and packing everything into my car to go home, didn’t get far before I calmed down and we sorted everything out. We are both a big part of each others lives and Christmas seems to be planned between both families and worked out well. We are in a hole though stuck living apart because of money but there are some nice houses on shared ownership coming up so maybe one will be ours.

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Am I Better?

I am finding that on a whole I am so much better. When Mike comes home my mood lights up and everything that troubles me doesn’t matter, Im happy and I think maybe I don’t have severe mental health problems. My sleep is almost normal, well as normal as its going to be. But I still struggle with motivation to do anything without home, if wasn’t for him I wouldn’t cook, I don’t do uni work and I feel I am getting showered and dressed to impress him. I am losing my identity as me and doing what I want and being his other half doing things to please him, but is this just being in a relationship or is this me trying to hold onto this feeling for as long as possible.

I do have moments where I want to cry out but because he is always here I cant, I have to be careful of what I watch because of being triggered off into thinking I want to die at the moment its hospital shows I cant watch them all the talk of death makes me think I want to die but if I say this to Mike there is always a Why, I don’t know why I feel down or having a bad day I just do and he hasn’t grasped this yet. I still look at thinks and think of how it could kill me . I still am fairly anxious.

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