Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

2014-A Year in Review

So I looked back on my aims and well I failed most of them but this year has had its challenges and its postives. just 6 months ago I was fighting with myself to stay alive but now I want to grow old with someone. But that doesn’t mean I am cured.

I still do have severe mental health problems and there are days when I want to be in my bubble and not even Mike can get in but theses are less than the beginning of the year. I am achieving more in the day but still struggle with belonging in society.

I honestly can say I found the one I love and can’t spend more than the working day without him, he is the reason I am trying to get better I want to make a life with him. I do wonder though where our relationship will be next year in the ways of will we have our house together and where.

My asthma has been up and down though I have made no progress I feel I can start to trust my consultants and when in a comfortable environment that admissions can be manageable and less stressed. I do hope like every year that things next year will get better. Though I do have more answers the cure/management is yet to be found.

Family dynamics have changed I’m not sure if it’s me looking at the relationships closer or comparing it to other families. Or maybe they have changed I just don’t know what to think I just know it is hard and some days I do wonder if it’s worth me trying.

My weight hasn’t changed if anything it’s got worse I’m not making excuses but I didn’t want the extra pressure but now I think a certain person see’s it as I wasn’t trying. Weight loss on medications is almost impossible so I need to change my mindset away from pounds lost to the changes in me for example getting on my bike. The weight may come off it may not but who cares when someone loves you whatever size and your happy in your skin.

I have achieved some things; more modules of OU completed, my nvq is finished which means I have started to look for the right job, I have visited some lovely places and walked more than I have done for a while.

So as 2015 approaches who knows what is to come.

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Christmas

This years Christmas will be different not all in a positive way, It will be the first with Mike and that has had its own challenges by trying to please both our families but giving us time together and it will be the first the family is broken up due to my Uncle , the one who in the past has brought the family together wont be there. Christmas for us will start on Christmas eve, with drinks and nibbles at Mums and will be playing board games (only time they come out) before waking up in my house on Christmas day for a quick present opening between me & Mike before heading back to my mums to have my family present opening. We will be spending Christmas Lunch (but time is more afternoon) at Roses house with my Grandparents and don’t know who else is coming. It be the first time I have to introduce Mike to others! Then driving to Cheltenham to spend the next 3 days with his family for his Dads birthday, included in our trip is meeting Mikes younger cousins who are apparently going to interview me! Then back to my parents for the Christmas roast (Dad said it had to be done) before get some time to ourselves before my Birthday.

I am scared about Christmas, not so much my family bits but am worried about my Dad having a barney, I’m not worried about Mike meeting my family as I think he will be fine with them as the Pomroys are a friendly bunch! I am worried about his family although they are lovely and get one well I have never stayed with them or spent more than 8 hours with them. His parents house is posh and worried about being able to relax. We have said we will have to go out for a little walk at some point to get some fresh air and some time alone! I know things will be fine but I do get anxious over the unknown!

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Impact of Hospitals on Relationships

I have had another hospital admission recently and because of rubbish treatment by a local paramedic I didn’t want to go anywhere local I went to Southampton. The admission itself it nothing to shout about but what I was thinking was what effect being in hospital has when you are in a relationship. I used to be happy with ED by myself but the few times Mikes been with me it seems easier, Yes I still get anxious over getting the treatment I know works and anxious over getting lines in but I seem to manage it better I get more anxious when he leaves that suddenly things will change. I dread him leaving me, in case something happens and I cant fight for myself. I think having him with me means I am not the one having to fight, Mike knows all the answers to the questions and is willing to upset them in order to get me better. Once on the ward I long for him to come to see me, its like when we first met I am checking my phone waiting, longing for that text. Visiting all I want is to cry into his arms and him to hug it all better. I never managed to cry out all going through my head. When he leaves I miss him more than ever and then I cry to myself. Being in hospital, with him at home I get even more frustrated and down with the fact I am back and even more determined I need to get better.

On Mikes side he hasn’t said much on how it effects him, he hates seeing me unwell and knowing there isn’t anything he can do to make it better, he hates leaving me he just wants me back with him hugging in bed its the small things he misses such as waiting for him when he gets home from work. He grabs things to eat on the go as he doesn’t want to waste time he can spend with me, he hardly sleeps as he’s driving to see me and when gets home he misses me too.

Will have to see what effect time has on our relationship when I’m ill or if things will change when nearer to home

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Roast Dinner

Tonight I cooked Roast Bacon Joint, with roast potatoes, parsnips, leeks, carrots, cauliflower cheese and Yorkshire puddings and it all came out on time, only thing was the parsnips needed longer. Involved allot of alarms being set. Bucket list tick !

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Maybe it was Meant to Be?

All around me through talking of little things reminds me of the place Mentally I have been through this year, I still don’t regret it as I finally got the help I needed but I still wonder why I still here and why I ended up where I did. Now something is putting the pieces together one of the places I ended up was so close to mike and now he is here helping me maybe I was trying to find him maybe he’s the one for me and he’s my knight!

I have been unwell for about a week he’s been great to cooking roughly to what I plan. He’s been sorting out things around the house when I’ve woken up in the night wheezy he has been to. It feels right

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