Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

The Past

Its 4am and I cant sleep.

I thought I had let go of the past but I get over it for a while then comes back to me. Someone requested me as a friend from my uni days and this made me look back onto the old entries on facebook. i did moan allot about health and would always cry out when I needed a pick me up, people would respond giving me there support. Now I don’t get any of that and hardly ever get a reply. I have a world of so called friends in Facebook world but some of them never respond almost like that want to spy on me (I do it to!).

Another reason why I had to face some demons is I am getting Dyslexia study skills and my teacher wanted to talk about previous education and asked me to see if i could find any of my old uni essays so could see some mistakes. I had to look through all the stuff I hid away to find them and then reading them though. I realised I miss the ambulance service and still want to be a paramedic. Whatever I do I cant get rid of that feeling I’m a failure and whatever job wont be my dream one.

I want the world to eat me up.

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Back in September I went to Portsmouth and had a rough time of it and ended up in the local costa (a.k.a Hospital). Last week I was meant to be seeing Southampton but due to different reason they moved it forward. I had already booked a hotel so I used it as a holiday.

I really enjoyed it felt so much more refreshed. We went to the main area walked a bit and sat abit. We planned our meals on where we had vouchers apart from Harvester which we don’t have one around here.

I felt so much better being by the sea but when i came home without the sea breeze my lungs have started to suffer and I have a feeling i cant hold on for after Westlife in 3 weeks without an admission

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100 Truths

I did this a number of years ago and thought would do it again


1. Last beverage: Coke
2. Last phone call: Dyslexia tutor

3. Last text message: My sister to tell me she was on her way to me
4. Last song you listened to: Wherever You Are
5. Last time you cried: Last night


6. Dated someone twice: No

7. Been cheated on: Yes

8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes

9. Lost someone special? Yes

10. Been depressed? Yes

11. Been drunk? Yes


12. Blue

13. Purple

14. Pink


15. Made new friends: Yes

16. Fallen out of love: No.. have to be in love to fall out in love

17. Laughed until you cried: No
18. Met someone who changed you: No

19. Found out who your true friends were: Yeap

20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes

21. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list: No

22. How many kids do you want to have: 2

23. What is your middle name(s) if any? Lyn

24. Do you have any pets? 2 Hamters

25. Do you want to change your name: No

26. What is the weather like today? Grey

27. What time did you wake up today: 2pm long night

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Watching War Horse

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for? Steps and Westlife concerts

30. Last time you saw your father: About 2 hours ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: Wish I didn’t have to take any medication

32. What are you listening to right now: The TV

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes

34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? A number of things that I can’t say

35. What is the best thing about your life right now? My little flat, my own world

36. What’s your real name? Rebecca Lyn Gray

37. First relationship? Michael Martin…. had a crush on him for 6 years before we went out

38. Zodiac sign? Capricorn

39. Male or female: Female

40. Playschool/nursery: Innox road

41. Primary School: St John’s Catholic Primary

42. Secondary School: St Augustine’s Catholic College

43. Hair color: Blonde

44. Long or short: Middle

45. Height: 5”8

46. Do you have a crush on someone? No

47. What do you like about yourself? My strength and determination

48. Piercings: Ear Lobes x1 and top of ear

49. Tattoos: None

50. Righty or lefty: Righty


51. First surgery: Appendix Burst

52. First piercing : Ear lobe

53. First tattoo: None

54. First best friend: Someone at primary school I can’t remember

55. First sport you joined: Netball

56. First pet: Fish called Jester

57. First vacation: Camping somewhere

58. First concert: Snow Patrol in NEC unless you count local ones

59. First crush: Michael Martin

60. First alcohol drink: Beer


61. Eating: Nothing

62. Drinking: Coke

63. I’m about to: Go for a Wee

64. Listening to: TV

65. Waiting for: Time to go to bed


66. Want kids?: Yes

67. Want to get married? Yes

68. Careers in mind? Child Nursing


69. Lips or eyes? Eyes

70. Hugs or kisses: Both are just as good

71. Shorter or taller: Don’t mind

72. Older or Younger: As long as they are in range maturity wise

73. Romantic or spontaneous: Both

74. Nice stomach or nice arms: Don’t mind

75. Tattoos or piercings: Don’t mind

76.Colour hair? Don’t mind

77. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

78. Trouble maker or hesitant: Bit of both is always good


79. Kissed a stranger: Yes- only whilst drunk

80. Drank hard liquor: Yes

81. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes

82. Sex on first date: No

83. Broken someone’s heart: Yes

84. Had your own heart broken: Yes

85. Been arrested?: No

86. Turned someone down: Yes

87. Cried when someone died: Yes

88. Liked a friend that is a girl?: No


89. Yourself: I don’t think so

90. Miracles: No

91. Love at first sight: No

92. Heaven: Not sure

93. Santa Claus: No

94. Kissing on the first date? Depends how it goes

95. Angels: Yes


96. Is there one person you want to be with right now?: No

97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?: No

98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yes


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Long Term List

My friend Emma both wrote or short term and now after reading hers I have written my long term goals..

  • Graduate
  • Have a career (still haven’t decided what to do)
  • Get married or be in a stable relationship
  • Be off pred!
  • Been on a forien vacation
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Bucket List

Me and a friend of mine were talking about our expectations and goals in the short term and we both decided we would write them so here goes.

  • Go 6 weeks without an admission (on more than one occasion)
  • Work part time
  • Get to 90kg
  • Be able to swim 400m
  • Attend concerts without getting ill (got Steps and Westlife Booked)
  • Visit a new place (in the UK)
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Playing on Disability

In my head I dont see myself as disabled. But I am classed as Disabled. I only call myself disabled when I need to. Ways in which I do:

  • CEA card, this gives a free career into the cinema with me. I have been ill during a film before so this have been useful and works out cheaper1
  • Disabled rail card, saves me a third of rail fares and someone who travels with me, another money saving thing
  • Blue badge, I don’t park in disabled spaces unless I have to, but will use it to get free parking
  • DLA, I do have care needs!

I have been watching the Step tour documentary and well they are doing more dates one of near where I live (outside) and I want tickets. I am going to use my disabled status to get a free companion to watch over me and look after me and I am thinking of getting wheelchair so I can sit through it without heads blocking my view as have a platform for wheelchairs.

I know I could be worse claiming every little disablitly thing and using and abusing it.

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Open University

Its nearly a year since I started the OU and I’ve done 75 Credits.

Understanding Autism- Submitted final EMA and waiting for the results but in the continuous assessment scored 92%. I enjoyed this module.

Science starts here- Just finishing off my last essay and the rest of the results have been about 75%. I haven’t enjoyed this much

Scientific Investigations- This module was ok just waiting for my result

Understanding Psychology- Didn’t enjoy this module much but scored 64% on continuous assessment and just waiting for the final results but should pass

Understanding Human Nutrition- Just starting this but its only 10 weeks

Next year will be doing 75 credits again, Understanding Health, Introducing Health Science and Human Biology

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The other day as I was in hospital was reading the paper and spotted a story about a paramedic that had been in front of the HPC for boosting on facebook about feeling someones boobs on a job. As I read it the picture and the name rang a bell, I went to Uni with this guy. He was partly responsible for me being suspended by reporting my comments I made on my Facebook about my illness.

What I remember of him at university he felt as if he was better than everyone he thought was perfect. He wasn’t in my friendship group but then I wasn’t anyone real friend.

Over the years I have always wanted to see someone from my uni days doing something wrong to show me they aren’t perfect as in my head they achieved what I couldn’t



Last week I was off to Birmingham to see Steps. I had seen my Resp nurse a few days before and though my Lung function is getting worse I seem to be coping fine with it. Anyway I headed to Birmingham feeling confident and well in myself. We had some lunch which was really nice before heading to the Hotel for a nap before heading the to arena. The arena is a long way from the train station and I was a little bit puffed and as soon as hit the main area I realised there was smoke machine… cough cough I spoke to a steward to confirm my suspicions and said I was asthmatic, 5 minutes later was moved to the floor seating on the end of a row. Slight problem with that the people next to me smelt like had a bath in perfume. I shortly worked out my neb machine’s batteries died, so dosed myself up with prednislone just in case and got my inhaler handy and chest wasn’t right.

The support acts weren’t very good but weren’t that loud and sat there and played with my phone waiting for Steps. Steps had a big introduction to come on stage with a countdown clock and everyone was standing. In the middle of the 2nd song I didn’t feel right and could hear me wheezing so was planning to go out for some fresh air but steward grabbed the medics as I heading out who planted a neb on me and whisked me off to the medical room. The took my history and I was getting worse but I was coping they were worried (I think my mind thinks I cope better and actually sicker than I think) they got the adrenaline ready but convinced them to give me some IV steroids and then then see. Luckily 6 nebs later I was talking and they let me with them and a wheelchair in tow go in for the last song… bad idea within about 2 minutes breathing went off big style and between the space of the hall and the medical room was struggling to stay awake. They threw me on the bed with resus kit next to me nabbing and stabbing me with adrenaline. Ambulance crew and rushed to hospital. Was better by the time I got there but was given some magnesium and admitted. I was anxious to get out so the next day I was sent home.

However I wasn’t better at home I had spent most of Friday in bed coughing up gunk waiting for resp nurse to get back to me. Unfortunately all he could give me was take some more pred and carry on nebbing. Later that evening wasn’t really coping so rang OOh like one paramedic things I should do first who phone me an ambulance. I was wheezy and couldn’t say a sentence. i was rushed in and as they know me well my plan was followed and put in HDU. I spent the weekend and Monday on IV amino and hydro. I am now home and usually after  a good few days of IV’s I’m fine for a few weeks. Until the next time anyway!

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I haven’t written about these little men yet Im suprised as had them now since February.

They are a pair of Chinese Dwarf Hamsters and wont grow very big.

They can have quite vicious temperaments but are easily handled; one of their endearing traits is that of clinging to a finger with all four paws, rather like a harvest mouse on a corn stalk. Chinese hamsters can be quite nervous as youngsters but, once they are tame, can display an endearing calmness and gentleness of character.

There is Stitch hes more of a bully, he sleeps allot but when he’s in his ball or handle him he’s crazy. You cant catch him. He is more the pig as well!

Then there is Lil Meat hes very nervous and like hiding and burying himself, hes easier to handle. When you put him in his ball he will go to his corner and sit there and just watches the world go by. But if you put him in the bath tub he will go crazy.


Lil Meat
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