Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Wanting Change

Things Have gone from bad to worse.

I was on a course for the weekend, my final assessment to become a Emergency Transport Attendant. I passed the written paper with a score of 100%, which is to be expected! On the practical I did fine on patient assessment picked up it was a DVT quickly and my observations were spot on. However on a resus scenario I froze, took me what seemed like forever to jump in and start resusing the Anne doll, all I could see was myself, I felt myself welling up, my partner and the assessor didn’t know me or what I had been through. I pulled myself together enough to complete the assessment after that I went and had a cry. Next up was a trauma scenario which I did ok on, I took the lead and we worked well together all passed!

After the assessment we went to help the local unit with the rugby for a while and then onto the pub. At the pub I started feeling ill, I took the medication used for the beginnings and was getting worse, a friend noticed this and tired to run away however I asked him to come with me which he agreed to. I was good took my pills etc and trying to combat it myself (swapped drivers after a while). However within a few minutes it got allot worse I ended up unresponsive, my friend drove me to hospital and by the time I got there I was quite ill, completely lost all sense of frightening. I was stabilised and my friend left as they wanted me to be watched over night due to my heart rate being high. After a few hours I got ill again, I called for a nurse quickly and was given all the drugs they could, nothing was working, I was getting tired and wasn’t breathing well. They took the decision to put me to sleep, I was given a while to contact people I got a nurse to phone Garry and I text my mate from earlier (will talk about this in a minute). I was in ITU for about 12 hours. Being treated for a chest infection plus the condition what put me there in the first place. They aren’t sure why I keep getting infections and they aren’t 100% sure what is causing my throat and breathing to be effected so badly so quickly.

Friends, Garry was phoned by a nurse and from what I gather she did make it sound like I was very poorly. The problem is this was 2am in the morning and he has no access to a car, although he said he tired his friends if anyone would take him. He didn’t make it. My other friend although did, he still had my car keys and therefore him and his girlfriend came but I was already asleep, they said they sat with me for a while and held my hand when I started to wake up (they soon put me back asleep) however when I finally woke up I was alone. My friend phoned my parents well left a message on my mums answer phone this was ignored until a few days later when she phones me in hospital and had a go at me for being in there, letting my friend drive my car and work and money I am losing out on being ill. I have no support from my family these days, They randomly turned up to take me home this weekend not for my own benefit but so I could look after my sister and they have it in there head that I am not coping when I need to be here, otherwise I wouldn’t cope as well.

I spent 5 days in hospital that week, on IV antibiotics, O2 for most of it and taking over 20 pills each morning. Felling ok at the moment very tired still and I don’t have much of a appetite. However that could be due to my next point.

Garry has a girlfriend, I always new this and in the past she felt threatened by me, so I backed off, when I was ill I would text him generally saying how I was etc, I only text once twice a day. When I knew they were together I would leave them alone, when I was home we had a chat. And so did they, not sure what was said but he showed her the texts and not sure what happened but she went home and hacked into his account and saw we had been talking. She didn’t like this felt I was trying to take him away from her, basically wanted to call of their relationship. I didn’t want that, I don’t see Garry as a potential boyfriend, hes a friend I can trust that has stuck by me and I generally don’t have anyone else. It ended up in me and him having not relay an argument more me moaning at me on does she realise what I have been thorough, not sure what she sees friendship as if excess texting is once a day whilst in hospital, now me and Garry have cut all contact, not sure if it will last though in the long term but short term I have to not contact him. I resorted to alcohol that night to cheer me up, allot of it and on the medications I was on didn’t mix well, I woke up the next morning in a pile of my own vomit on my bathroom floor. That night was the first time in a while that I seriously wanted to die, luckily I don’t have enough of the dangerous stuff to cause me any harm.

SJA used to be my rock, through everything I still had that to look forward to. However now that’s changed due to whats being going on with my health they believe me to be a risk and stopping me going on everything, no training, no duties or no meetings until things settle. I can understand it completely however I am annoyed was due to go on a national conference in a few weeks, it was local so wasn’t going to stay the night, had people around me that knew my condition and was going to be a chance for me to let my hair down however now I cant do that. It is annoying part of my job involves making sure duties gets covered, usually this involves me badgering members and I cant do this anymore, I cant even bail out the unit if we cant cover them. I have to rely on other people to do this for me. I am not a office person but being forced into doing it. However it is giving me a good chance to update paperwork and get ahead and get things how I want them.

Uni is no more, they don’t want me back after Easter due to my health. They Will review my case in September and will involve me repeating the year. Not sure if I can do this, I want to be a paramedic but not sure if it is physically possible these days, not sure if uni tutors will continue to stand in my way. All I want is to keep my head down and get on with it, but I know they wont let me, every movement they will jump on me. But not sure on what else to do.

Generally now I am better, still struggling to find things to keep me going, but every now and again I stop and think about Garry and being ill and get upset. I know there is nothing anyone can do about it, I just need to stay strong but fed up of being strong at times. A friend said to me that he looks up to me, looks up how well I am coping considering I might not make my next birthday and puts his life into perspective. However he did say he was noticing that I was slowly getting quieter and smiling less. I will pick myself up some time, just need to face whats happened, it all happened so fast and at once that I don’t know where to start. I still get feelings about dying but not because I killed myself mainly due to me not wanting to deal with being ill or leaving it too late, which I am sure I will do. I think this is because there is a real danger of me dieing if not from getting ill in the first place but the effects of the drugs I need, they can cause heart attacks, strokes and bleeds in the brains not to mention the consent risk of me picking up infections due to being on high dose steroids.

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Life and Death

Well, still not fully back into a normal life, Uni are back on the I am unfit to study point of view not from a Mental Health but a physical heath point of view. I have had chest infection after chest infection. After my last blog I caught one that caused my second day’s attack was probably due to the infection. After the course of antibiotics I felt better.

However I went away for the weekend on a training event and last time I was here I was ill every evening. On the first night I was poorly, the people with me were worried about me, they were getting ready to resus me and the paramedic said I looked like shit. After the drugs I was allot better however the organisers wanted me to go home as the remoteness of the centre puts them in a difficult position if I was very poorly. Hoever on a obstacle course I fell off and hurt my back. I knew that it was nothing however due to where the pain was they called an ambulance and then was flat on my back on a hard board for 2 hours. I was right No damage. I couldn’t drive home in my condition so they said as long as I rest and inform them straight away when I get ill I could stay. I had no problem the rest of the time I was there.

Although it didn’t last long, I had a bad attack a few days later, was taking part in a training exercise when I became unwell. I was fighting any kind of help. I didn’t want to deal with it. didn’t want the attention, just wanted to be alone, luckily they didn’t let me. I was in the hospital when suddenly my heart started to race and my throat tightened, the world felt like it was shaking the alarms were going off then everything went black. The next thing I remember was being in ITU my first instinct was to pull everything off me, was allowed some things to be taken out, but I still wasn’t 100% with it until the next day when I went on a normal ward. I found out I had stopped breathing and my heart went into a funny rhythm. One of the first things I wanted to do was to find my phone, I knew my battery would almost be dead so I phoned my mate to get me my charger and some clothes which she did saw me and walked in put them down and said I have to go. At this point I was still ill, still had lines in and on O2 all the time. After my phone had charged I began to go through my messages I had allot from Garry, but from my other so called friends only tended to have have you got the key. Garry was the only one that showed true concern about my where abouts as its unlike me not to reply or be on msn. Even a friend who came with me in the ambulance didn’t bother checking on me. This makes me worried what would happen if I was to end up unconscious here I would be dead by the time someone would find me. Also makes me wonder who would attend my funeral if I did die. Since them I have been struggling to cope not by the fact it happened although I find it hard to watch shows with death on and I found it hard when training to do a resus scenario but its more the fact that people knew I was ill but the didn’t think or care enough of me to find out where I was. I was alone not even my family came to see me, still not sure why though. I ended up saying to the drs if they wouldn’t allow me home I would walk out, they weren’t planning on doing much and I had plans that I didn’t want to miss. My condition was made worse by having a nasty infection that I still have today. If it doesn’t get better by Monday I am to go into hospital for IV drugs which I don’t want to happen.

I am being piled off on different doctors at the moment and I am frustrated with the system and the lack of anyone wanting to give a strong management plan due to the fear of stepping on one another’s toes. These different drs are in a different city to where I live so I am spending allot of time traveling to this city and in this city. I am getting no where in a control over this situation. It has taken over my life what time I am not in hospital I am sleeping. I haven’t had the energy to do much else.

I recently started working for a local hospital, however they allowed me to work and then now they have changed there minds. They say that its due to my condition being uncontrollable at the moment and they cant let me work until further notice. I am running out of money now, with no student loans and no income and plenty of outgoings I haven’t got much money to play with. This is having an impact on my social life and what I can do. SO spending allot of my time in my room not actually talking to anyone other than the TV. I am lonely beyond belief and when I try and arrange meeting people something comes up. I am throwing myself into sja its the only part of my life that is stable.

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Better Days

Not allot has changed the past few weeks, still sitting around waiting for the all clear to go back to a normal study life. I don’t think it will happen, looking at my other options at the moment, every time I make up my mind something happens that changes it.

I am still in and out of hospital and really fed up over it. I feel old and tired all the time. I have no control over my condition. I take my regular medication as prescribed do everything the dr says but still not controlled enough to have a decent quality of life. I cant do anything without having health getting in the way. For example the weekends at the moment are spent on a First aid course. I spoke to the tutor beforehand that I had this problem and didn’t expect it to get in the way but been in ill twice now in class. Go and see the dr tomorrow scared about what he is going to say and what the next step will be.

All this is really starting to affect me, I am very short tempered, always tired and not myself and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know its just stress but whatever I do I cant get ride of it.

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