Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Plans

Finally something going my way!

After a long discussion with the psych there is no way my condition is anything other than a physical response although he did say that I am vunable the university doesn’t have any grounds not to allow me to continue as there is no evidence of a current Mental Health problem. Placement will be up to Occy Health nearer the time. So its back to hard work. I am pleased that at least I can continue even though I might not get to go on placement for a while, all I want is to be given the chance to prove myself. I am slightly scared that uni will make my life hard when I am there, I am out to prove them wrong and learnt from my mistakes of not having witness at meeting etc. However I will be more cautious than ever to talk to them worried that I will have to go through this again.

Talking about my childhood explained allot about my attitude to illness now, from the age of 11 my sister was ill allot, she required allot of attention when ill and due to this I have a stay quite about it attitude as I don’t want to make a fuss. I have improved since the days when it was a battle to get me to go to hospital but now if I have the right person then I am generally better. It is worse when I am in here, I don’t like the hospital or the local paramedics.

I should be getting a job soon have a interview for casual contract work, the usually take most people on as they don’t have a fixed number of jobs to fill. With my experience then I should be OK. If I get this job I will be buying a car. I am more likely to do shifts if I have a car.

I am back on duty now for sja, I haven’t been on duty for a while so it was good to put the uniform on, although it was horrible wearing it on the bus! I start my ETA course in a few weeks it should be good, but boring!

I have my life back on track, even though there are still parts that will be difficult by sorting out the other parts then will cause less stress and maybe that will have an effect on my health

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Mess

My room is a mess at the moment but everything I attempt to tidy up it gets messy again by the next day running out of places for everything.

I been ill again, was quite poorly on night and I was being stubborn. Fed up of it, Dr’s aren’t too sure whats going on being tested for allot of things. I’m so tired at the moment.

I have my psych tomorrow and I’m scared more the what will happen afterwards, what will I do if uni say no were not having you back after all. I don’t know what i will do with myself. Trying not to think about it. Trying to think positive but its hard, I always think of the worse and I don’t want to get my hopes up.

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Long Time

Sorry I haven’t posted for along time but struggling finding the words and the drive to sit down and write.

I have to see a psychiatrist next month so hopefully then I can go back to uni but I keep thinking what if, and what would I do if uni made me take another gap year. I am scared of the emotions that I will face. Last time I saw a psych I had my ex with me and I was in a right state, this time I wont have anyone with me. In a way that’s better as I wont lie to them. But I have asked if I can met up with a friend after for some company and a cry most likely.

I saw my GP on Friday, really upset me. She was saying how my condition is unlikely to get any better than it is and the chances that the drugs I need to cure it will end up killing me or the attack itself killing me as I require allot of drugs and with time they might not have the effect in time. She also explained what my specialist is testing me for, Cancer, a rare type. Now I am lacking in motivation to do anything as I keep thinking whats the point. We will see what the latest test unveil

I had a bad time in hospital last week, I couldn’t go to the local not sure why but I went to another hospital. I was in the state where I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was given drug after drug and when I had calmed down enough to go to sleep, I would get ill again. By Midday I was shattered and just wanted to sleep, when your in hospital they don’t let you during the day sleep so I was constantly woken up. Luckily I was allowed home later that afternoon. I really hate the hospital part of my life, I am 21 and have spent more time in hospital than I should be, what am I going to be like by the time I’m 60 (If I get that far!)

Over the last few months I have been chatting to a old friend over the Internet, he lives in Exeter now and we get on really well (as friends). He’s supported me and picked me up when I am down recently. He know bits about my problems and my health. He’s invited me down there for the weekend. I want to go as it will be good to get away but there is the fear of something happening, in the past when I start enjoying myself I get ill. I don’t want to do that to him, fed up of looking at my friends faces and seeing the fear in there eyes. So deciding if I should go.

I have had a difficult few days, I have worked out that I am so used to looking after other people been doing it since I was young that now when I need looking after and guidance that I don’t know how to act or respond. Its also a way of running away from my problems. I need to start looking after number one, I still will listen and support my friends but distance myself.

I still haven’t found a job, the boundaries are being pushed onto what I will do. But its also hard as not sure if I will going back to university or not at the moment. So trying to get bank jobs and then I can carry on but not sure why I don’t seem to get an interview. But I want a car so badly at the moment for the idependence.

Generally I have been determined to sort things out for myself fight this disease and fight for what I want. I am still very stubborn but I am slowly realising this could be due to the condition and deep down I just want to be told you are doing this.

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General Stuff

Last night I went to bed early but I couldn’t sleep so I put some music on and was looking through some photos. I saw some of when I worked in America made me think about that person I was and I missed it. I did get offered a job to go back but due to my health I cant go as its in the middle of nowhere! I then went to look at pictures of family mainly my sister, I cried allot, I miss her being like she was. Despite her doing well, shes a bag of bones with no energy, she is wasting away so spends allot of time in bed. I miss the sister that I played Wii with or that would take shopping.

When I was at home I told my parents about uni and that and they admitted they were ashamed of it, most student sail through university but I have had so many problems they don’t believe I will ever graduate and spend my whole life sailing along. All I want is to graduate university but not many people can see that.

Have appiled for loads of jobs but dont seem to be getting anywhere and I need money.

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2009

My Birthday was rubbish, I got 5 facebook messages, one text and 4 msn messages saying happy birthday from hundred of friends on facebook and with my mobile number. I spent the morning with my sister in hospital, then met a friend for lunch before meeting my ex for some driving lessons in a ambulance. It didn’t go well between us, he kept coming onto me, I told him no but he wasn’t listening. After getting back to the garage, he Came up behind me and started coming onto me from behind touch me etc, I shouted at him to let go but he didn’t, I elbowed him in the stomach and ran. When I got home I told my parents this started an argument as they accused me of appearing to easy. I was biting my tongue.

The evening was spent in my room and when the new year come I burst out crying. Just for the fact my life is shit. I hoped that one of these days that my turns would kill me just so I don’t have to face them again, I wonder would anyone notice I was gone.

New years day, I had enough of my parents, apparently I am a self centered, alcoholic slut. I went mad at this and it ended up in them saying to go and not come back. So I packed my bags and left. I should of been carrying all my stuff but I manged not sure how as soon as I got back to here I had to drag it. I was in allot of pain in my side (appendix scar) from carrying can see why they say no lifting for 6 weeks.

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