Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

My Birthday Plan

I’m still at home, but really fed up and counting down until going back up north.

Its my 21st on Wednesday however the plans so far are sit at home. My Dad will be at work and my friends either cant afford anything, busy or working. I could go back up north however am likely to be alone still. There is always the argument about how to get back up as I have so much to take up, I don’t think I could manage on the train. My parents refuse to take me up before my birthday because they say they want to give me my present on the day. So at the moment no decision is luckily to keep everyone happy. I also wonder who will actually remember out of my flatmates and friends up north as I know I do it, when I’m home I forget about uni life so therefor will forget that its my birthday. We will have to see though.

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Christmas Day

Its boxing day and I Didnt manage a magical Christmas or have any sort of decent memories as it was just like a normal day it seemed.

I was woken up at 9am by my sister, its become tradition that she wakes me up and open our stockings togher after this I went back to bed until midday. It was then time to open the presents as my mum had returned from Church (explain thoughts in a minute). I didn’t get anything that special. A game that none of us knew any of the question so is going back for something we can play, some foundation that I had already got (being swapped for the one I asked for as the whole reason I asked for some foundation is that it was too dark for my ever changing complexion), a freeview box (I did ask for this), some ds games that I liked they are ok keeping me occupied and some money (not enough to make any difference in my life, most likely to sit in my purse and end up getting spent on food etc). The afternoon was spent watching DVDs and attempting to play my new games!

However whilst playing my new game I started having a reaction. My mum noticed I had gone quite and she new I was feeling rough. However she didn’t batter an eye lid. I took the usually pill to try and stop it getting worth and was sitting in my room for a bit. Getting worse and worse and went back to where my mum and dad were. They knew I was so out of breath I couldn’t talk, they knew I was getting worse and needed help soonish. What did they do take my potions away from me refusing to allow me to have them (as “OH I don’t want you to take these, you don’t need them, and you don’t want you to look like a druggie”) then they tried to phone out the out of hours doctor who phoned an ambulance straight away. They arrived my mum and dad argued with them annoying both me and the paramedics. They could see I was very poorly so we all went into the back in the motor so they had the space to get on with what they needed to. My family also missed out some pretty important things which I later had to add, despite me feeling them. They never came with me to the hospital not even a see you later. I felt very emotional not just with my parents lack of judgement and making a difficult situation even worse by their attitude but also the fact that I cant even get through a week at home without wanting to run away. Also being ill at Christmas isn’t nice. I am really tempted to go back to Coventry, It wouldn’t be very nice though with my birthday being less than a week away and my 21st. Even though it wasn’t going to be anything special.

I had to stay in the night, wasn’t to bothered as it gets me away from the family.

New Years is a hard times, more now that I am older. Not just because I tend to look back on the year and get upset but my Nan died 4th January 2001 I remember the run up to her death very well was 4 days after my 14th Birthday. I miss her sometimes at Christmas as there is the person I was brought up to believe he was my grandparent (learnt when i was 12 he wasn’t) doesn’t bother keeping up with Christmas’s and Birthday so have a card missing and just gives you a tenner when he remembers.

Finally Church, I was brought up a catholic, went to catholic school etc. So had it drilled into me that I had to believe a certain thing. Now I have left my eyes have been oped to new ideas and finding out my own beliefs etc. One of them being if you believe in God etc then you shouldn’t have to go to church to do it. As I feel hes all around. But at the moment its more important to be a decent and good person more than anything. If there is a God why is he putting me through all this stuff, I must have been bad in a past life. I know some people would say hes testing you, well I think I have been tested enough over the last 2 years.

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Christmas

Its Christmas eve and I am not feeling very well no surprise there.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas, when I was younger there was always film after film but this year it isn’t like that. There no cheesy films or Christmas films from years go by. Just Eastenders and some dodgy Christmas specials. Christmas is meant to be a time for families and my Dad has freely volunteered to go out on SJA duty all night so will spend most of the day in bed. I am also having an alcohol free Christmas as I am still on painkillers that I cant drink with.

I know Christmas isn’t meant to be about presents but I know what I will be unwrapping this year isn’t what I truly want. That cant be brought and what I really want that can be brought (a car) I know my parents don’t have the funds to buy nor do I.

Being at home makes me miss my car more than ever, miss hate freedom of just going out to the cinema or to see friends.

I cant remember a Christmas I have been truly happy or feeling 100% this year is no exception.

I wish all my readers, all the best Christmas wishes, I hope your Christmas is better than mine is likely to be.

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Home

I am back home. I am missing my life up north, not the problems associated with there but certain aspects of my life, my friends like Garry and some others, my room made how I wanted it, everything being in the one room were I don’t have to go far to find things, the Independence where I can eat what I want when I want and the personal space. Home is made harder with people being ill, my Dad got ‘man flu’ so I have my Mum sleeping on the spare bed that just happens to be in my room.

I’m really bored too, I sit around on my computer watching TV up north but at home I seem to get bored by it so quickly. I have sky at home and everything but still cant find anything to watch. I have been playing on my sisters Wii and then my side started to hurt, I don’t think playing tennis was a good idea! But according to Wii Fit I have lost a stone in a Month! Going to weigh myself on proper scales. I know I could do with losing a bit of weight but I put weight on and lose it so quickly!

I have been on a major push for work, made harder by the fact I am signed off for six weeks, I need money as my student finance has stopped and have rent to pay in January, and I cant get out of my contract even for reasons out of my control! So I am stuck with a room costing my £79 a week. managed to get rid of my parking space hopefully! I don’t usually like going to work but at the moment all I want to do is get out and go to work but can’t.

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Time

I think its time for me to go home, Its starting to get to the point where sitting around in my room with no-one around isn’t doing me much good. Yes I needed the space and peace for a while but now I am starting to feel sorry for myself and this is having an effect on my physical well being. My diet is poor as I haven’t been shopping for weeks as I am trying to use up as much as I can in my fridge and freezer. I am not taking my medication when I should be because I am not eating and because I am not getting up until the middle of the day so the time between the drugs in the morning and in the evening aren’t long enough really. One of my drugs I take with food or I feel sick and as I am not eating much at all I haven’t taken them and when I do eat I forget them. So tomorrow maybe (long story involving parents that don’t check there emails enough to see my request for being picked up and therefore my dad does what he does best and goes out on duty with St John Ambulance) I am off home until early January, my mother wraps me up in cotton wool she will place 2 meals a day in fount of me (still don’t get up early enough to have breakfast at a decent time before lunch) place my medications with them and makes me run like clock work. I don’t have the best relationships with my mother over this but bless her I think its what I need the only problem is she wont let me have my space and also will use me for her tasks she doesn’t like (generally running around after my sister) which annoys me as my sister is older than me and therefore shouldn’t she be running around after me. My mum also has problems with me and the whole uni thing, she didn’t want me to come back so I am likely to have lots of “discussions” with her on what I should be doing as she likes to think she knows the right thing to do.

My Dad, he likes to look after his little girl, but allows me to get on with what i want, I can have a very frank discussion with him but he constantly has this I’m so proud of you outlook which makes me look bad. He also is obsessed with St John so spends more time doing that than in the house. Its one of the reason I am still a member as its our thing. I am also the brunt of his feeling and moans about the organisation. It is also another year he wont be around for my birthday, I cant remember the last birthday I had with him around. At first it annoyed me but now I don’t mind, used to it.

I had Garry’s girlfriend email me telling me to stop texting and messaging him, this hurt allot I hardly do text him these days. Its hard as I don’t know her and I don’t think she knows everything that me and Garry Have been through together. I had Garry on msn afterwards upset and feeling like shit cos she wasn’t talking to her, understandably. I felt really bad its my fault was more a case of bad timing when I did text him, just happened to be when she was with him. I decided not to mention the times when I have been in the middle of a upset moment and trying to talk to him and she texts him and then he texts back whilst I am still crying and at breaking point. What am I meant to do I don’t know when they are together, I don’t text him that much I don’t ask him to read it or respond, it doesn’t bother me if people don’t respond to me straight away or tell me to piss off their busy. Anyway they have repair it between them and I am not talking to him much, hes at home anyway so not around as much.

I have been thinking allot about one of my ex’s I don’t know why but I miss him, I think as last time I was at uni I was going out with him. I know he isn’t perfect but what man is? I do care about him allot but doesn’t anyone who gets that close to a person. I still see him and he still talks about me allot apparently.

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Not Alot

Not allot has been going on….

Sleeping allot, I need to catch up on missed sleep from the hospital and my anaemia is playing up so get tired easily. There isn’t much I need/can do at the moment and I think its what I need to allow my body to repair itself. Slowly starting to pack to go home for Christmas need to get some more drugs from the pharmacy before going home.

I have been starting to soul search. I started off with men. I have been single since I was dumped in ITU back in July. I miss being loved by someone, however I don’t want to burden my problems on one person anymore, and I know if I find a boyfriend then they will be the only person I would talk to and not my friends. I need a man that will really look after me through difficult times, have a bit of medical knowledge so they can help, strong willed to fight with me when I’m in a stubborn mood when ill and finally emotionally strong as I do need special attention at times. I suppose Bob and Garry being male friends were sort of a replacement for a boyfriend as they cared bout me despite all my problems. I will never go looking for a man though as I believe if it is meant to be they will find me. I am also scared of being hurt as I tend to attract cock’s!

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Sorry

Sorry I haven’t Blogged for a while, been issues regarding me blogging about Bob so I have let the dust settle.

Bob basically wrote about me on his blog making me sound like a mad woman giving his side of the story but didn’t notice that I never made him miss his lectures that was his choice, I never minded him leaving me after things had settled and he never worked out that I had backed off. I know my faults regarding the issues he brought up and I am working on them. I don’t care anymore about his friendship, despite me missing what we had I don’t think I could trust him again. I have moved on and is allot happier and stable than I have been since coming to uni.

I went to Garry’s on Wednesday night (he is just a friend and I go over for a chat and he feeds me, it gets me out of the house and is a good chance to have a laugh) I was feeling rough before I went but I am stubborn so thought it be OK. At about 4am I had severe abdominal pain and was sick, I took some painkillers and managed to get a few hours sleep. In the morning It still really hurt and was being sick so Garry took me to a NHS Walk in Center. After hundreds of questions about my personal life it was deemed that I needed to go to Hospital. On the bus I went still in pain, still feeling sick, but cant afford taxis and there was no way I was going by ambulance. Garry had to go and met his girlfriend so after seeing the triage nurse, left me. I was seen and taken to a surgical ward. It was deemed that I needed my appendix out so a drip was placed and given morphine for the pain. I was meant to go into theatre on Thursday night but an emergency came in. On Friday was seen by another Dr who because of my medical history felt it was a high risk operation and the anesthetic team would need to adjust the drugs they used and a bed on ITU was found for me after the operation. I was finally taken down at about 4pm. I woke up about 6pm and felt very short of breath, itchy and wheezy. After a few more drugs pumped into my system. Was taken around to ITU and after being attached to the machines and oxygen, Garry had arrived to visit me with my flatmates. I was kept in for another 2 days on morphine until a few hours before being discharged. Garry visited me every evening and I was still on ITU as by the time I was fit for a ward there was no beds. I didn’t mind the nurses in ITU were great and because of the ratio of nurses to patients they would wait on you hand and foot. So was never in pain, never had to wait for medication, had my own free TV, open hours visiting and they were there quickly when my blood sugar dropped so low I became unresponsive (hadn’t eaten or drunk anything for 2 days). Home now on painkillers, still very sore and still not eating as much as I should do!

Someone I know is basically trying to make up my mind about what to do about uni for me by speaking to my accommodation regarding moving out and student finance about money for going to uni next year. She seems to have made this grand plan for us both and she isn’t the person I would normally mix with or trust. I am trying to be nice and saying well I need to make up my mind but doesn’t seem to be getting the idea.

I have lots of parts of my personality that aren’t my best features that seem to be coming to the surface at the moment:

  • Stubborn when it comes to accepting help and admitting I have a problem, this is a feature that I am trying to work on. It is potentially the part that puts me at the most risk.
  • Making excuses, I blame my past experiences and whats going on allot. I realise that there is reasons why i am like I am but I need to overcome the past, let go and stop feeling I have to explain myself to others
  • My feelings toward having to be strong, not letting go to emotions this causes them to build up and then I just cant get them out. Like a bottle its gets adds to then then it get all too much then I flip and usually want to do something stupid.
  • I tend to over analysis things and then get myself worked up
  • Fear of being alone

Admitting parts of my personality that I don’t like and are my down falls, I feel is a positive step towards working on them. i have already come on allot since the first incidents with Bob and coming to uni. Now I need to go away and do some soul searching to formulate a plan into my next moves and the future. this will be emotionally hard as I don’t think there will be the right steps but its what I want

I want to say so much more but don’t know where to start and what to say so that’s enough for a while!

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Me

I went to a Christmas party last night, Bob ruined it by bringing issues in. We argued! There was lots of questions asked about my relationship with my friend (starting calling him Gary) which its just friends people telling him to avoid me. Gary has already made his mind up about me. There is slight difference he lives away from me so I cant just pop around to see him. But I much rather have him around than Bob! He has been a better friend to me than Bob. As I look back and remember his comments made and that, reminds me what a twat he is.

100 Questions
1. Started your own blog. Answer that yourself
2. Slept under the stars. Yeah, In California and it was lovely
3. Played in a band. Yes A local youth Brass Band when I was a child and a Flute group
4. Visited Hawaii. Nope, and cant afford it at the moment
5. Watched a meteor shower. No.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. I prefer giving time
7. Been to Disneyland. Yes. Twice to Paris and been to the LA one
8. Climbed a mountain. Yes, I’m a scout
9. Held a praying mantis. Nope
10. Sang a solo. Does in the Shower count?
11. Bungee jumped. Yes in USA
12. Visited Paris. Yes
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. Yes
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Art? whats that?
15. Adopted a child. Too young to be thinking of kids, I want children one day
16. Had food poisoning. Yes.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. Yes
18. Grown your own vegetables. Yes
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. Yes
20. Slept on an overnight train. Never been on a overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight. Yes
22. Hitch hiked. No – never needed to.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. No, but been sent home sick and the wonders of the NHS has stoped me from working
24. Built a snow fort. Nope.
25. Held a lamb. Yes
26. Gone skinny dipping. Yes
27. Run a Marathon. No, want to but haven’t got the fitness for
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice. No, but want to
29. Seen a total eclipse. Yes
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. Yes, in the wonders of USA
31. Hit a home run. On the Wii!
32. Been on a cruise. Does the 24 hour ferry count?
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. No.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. No.
35. Seen an Amish community. No,
36. Taught yourself a new language. No, struggle with English.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. No, struggling allot with money at the moment
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. No.
39. Gone rock (wall) climbing. Yeah, haven’t for ages though.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David. Never even heard of it before.
41. Sung karaoke. Sung in a group of Friends before
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. No
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant. No, but have brought friends I hardly know meals
44. Visited Africa. No.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Yes, and been swimming in the moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance. Stupid question.
47. Had your portrait painted drawn. No.
48. Gone deep sea fishing. yea.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person. No.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. Yes.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. Yes, really enjoyed it
52. Kissed in the rain. Yeah.
53. Played in the mud. Of course.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Yes
55. Been in a movie. I was on TV recently.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. No.
57. Started a business. No, and no intentions to.
58. Taken a martial arts class. I did, but got asked to leave as I knocked out the instructor
59. Visited Russia. No, but I’d love to.
60. Served at a soup kitchen. No.
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies. Yes
62. Gone whale watching. Yeah
63. Got flowers for no reason. No, Never got flowers.
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. A couple of times. They wont take my blood
65. Gone sky diving. Nope.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. No.
67. Bounced a check. No.
68. Flown in a helicopter. Yes But I don’t remember it
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. No.
71. Eaten Caviar. No, and don’t want to.
72. Pieced a quilt. Sort of
73. Stood in Times Square. Yeah and went WOW
74. Toured the Everglades. Never.
75. Been fired from a job. Nope
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London. Once.
77. Broken a bone. I’m accident Prone so I have broken 5.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. Never been on a moving motorbike.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. No.
80. Published a book. No.
81. Visited the Vatican. No, and no desire to.
82. Bought a brand new car. Not a brand new one but I have brought a car
83. Walked in Jerusalem. No.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. Yes a few years ago.
85. Read the entire Bible. Went to catholic school so I might have.
86. Visited the White House. No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. No, I am a veggie.
88. Had chickenpox. Yes Twice.
89. Saved someone’s life. I number of times, comes with the job.
90. Sat on a jury. No.
91. Met someone famous. Not really famous.
92. Joined a book club. No.
93. Lost a loved one. Yes. my Nan when I was 14, and lost as in ex’s
94. Had a baby. No, I have only got a one in a million chance of having children of my own. I thought I was pregnant once
95. Seen the Alamo in person. No.
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake. No, wheres that?.
97. Been involved in a law suit. No, was investigated by a previous employer before.
98. Owned a cell phone. We call them ‘mobile phones’ here.
99. Been stung by a bee. Yes, when i was a child, my hand swelled up so I think I am allergic.
100. Read an entire book in one day. I don’t read much but I have once I think

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Is Anyone Reading This???

Ok I was thinking today, does anyone actually read this. I would like some comments just so I know someone is listening to me. I will still write though.

Anyway, Friday spent a night in at a friends house he fed me! and then gave me a lecture on sorting myself out. My problem is I know what i need to do but I am lazy with cooking, there is no point me getting up early I haven’t got anything to do and I cant magic a job out of thin air! I know he means well but I have heard it all before. I am trying but then something happens and I revert to my old ways. I think with me I put things to the back of my mind and never solve the core issues.

Its been a uneventful weekend really nothing new, hospital admission, but its one of life’s challenges. I spent most of today on a bus it seemed. Had to go to the hospital to pick up a prescription they wouldn’t let me discharge myself without it. Then went to empty my car. It was really hard to see it, say goodbye to a part of me. My poor baby! It was my first car I spent allot of time in it. Allot of memories in it! I’ve laughed and cried in it. And made it mine. I need another car really, but I cant afford it.

I want to kill Bob at the moment, our friendship is dead. Hes hurt me too much with the breaking of confidentiality, the talking behind my back and the attitude. I don’t need people like him. I need friends that will stick by me whatever, through thick and thin. I know at times I require allot of support and hugs but I would do the same for them.

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