Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Catch Up

Just under a year ago my life went to pieces, now history is repeating itself. I lost Mike just over 6 months ago but he still effects me. He left me after I cracked and took an overdose he wasn’t listening to me saying I was close to one, after I was out of hospital he didn’t want to know me anymore. I worry far too much about talking to people in case they turn there backs on me like he did. I am not up front on my feeling, I have a barrier up, and that isn’t easily broken. I worry about Chris turning into Mike. He showed signs of it the last few days the ignoring me bit. I know he is having a rough time but he is bottling it up. I like to know what’s going on as it makes me put my problems in perspective and realise that I am not the only one that struggles. He hardly tells me anything about his life in the past; I would like to know before I put my foot in it. I do love him more than I loved Mike. I like spending time with him he makes me laugh and puts a smile on my face. All I want to do is make him happy. I want us to work I don’t want to lose someone I love again.

I have had a rough time recently I haven’t worked for 5 weeks so money is tight. I don’t know how I am going to cope money wise. Health wise I have been in hospital rushed in too many times and I hate it, I know I have to go in most of the times but I hate the not knowing what’s going on I hate people asking the same questions over and over and I hate the fuss I get from everyone. I just want it to be over. I am off the antidepressants but I am feeling the effects I want to be dead. I just feel it would be easier on everyone if I was. My life is of no use to anyone I am of no benefit to society and I have no one depending on me. I don’t want to go down the overdose route as I know I will fail. I am trying to fight the feelings but for how much longer I don’t know. I need to get back to normal life work etc.

Going back to university soon. Part of me doesn’t want to go; it’s the fear of the unknown and the university society. I don’t want to get into the drinking culture as I don’t want it to be taken the wrong way as I am drowning my sorrows or I do something stupid. I just worry that I am going to end up lonely like Apollo house where I was forced to go out a lot and segregated when I didn’t. That’s why I want lots of visitors, well Chris and Jenn then I have someone just to go to the cinema with or go out with.

I don’t like my home life at the moment my parents are just going on and on bout everything not allowing me to do anything. I just want to scream out and fall into a hole or fly away.

Things can only get better as they can’t get any worse I hope, knowing my luck they probably can.

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