Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Down Day

I am having down day and I can’t pin point why.

I haven’t heard from university and it is annoying I have done my part and they are taking ages on there’s. They all said that as soon as they got the assessment they would review it, they have had it for weeks. I don’t know if I can face going back though I think I am too comfortable at home now I want to go back though. I think it’s the fact I want to get away from Trowbridge on my own. I like knowing I can pop over to Mikes whenever and have a job here. Even being at home is depressing now.
Mike is very on off with me; one day he can’t get enough of me the next few days I don’t speak to him. I think he is going off me. Maybe I should ignore him next week and see if he communicates with me.

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I am getting depression again, I don’t know if it is the antidepressants not being strong enough or just being bored. I have hardly done anything recently just sitting around all day.

I haven’t seen Mike for a while he always seems to be running around after other people. Whenever I suggest something there is always some excuse. He never randomly texts me or rings me like I do to him. He never compliments me. We have been going out for 6 months and he is acting like we have been married for 60 years. We are drifting apart and I don’t know what to do about it. All he does when we are together is to tell me what to do. I know it will be hard to see each other when we are both at university, but I have one year left and then close the book on university. I try and make the most the most of what time we do have if it beavers or babysitting. He says he loves me but he doesn’t show it very often.

University is getting me down; I am getting no straight answers or decisions being made. It is looking unlikely that I will be able to go back. I need to go back though for me prove that I can do it. I am determined and can fight my way through things.

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I have had my psychiatric assessment. I told him the majority of things but my story is confusing anyway. Fingers crossed I will be able to get back to university. I am getting bored at home and the unpredictability is horrible.I was good during the assessment I didn’t cry and afterwards I didn’t cry much. I was extremely tense and anxious, Mike tried to calm me down but I couldn’t sit still. Mike was great he wouldn’t let me go by myself and held my hand the whole way.

It was the start of badgers last night. Mike is hurt at the moment by the mount of help Debbie is getting and he got nothing. It is understandable, but he needs to move on from badgers. All I want is to cheer him up, like he does to me. I am worried about him I want him to be his old self, I will take him out tomorrow to make him realise how strong he was for doing it by himself for so long.Been sorting the little room ready for when I change it into office. Who knows if I will be able to work in it.

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