Fighting for Breath

I Have Brittle Asthma. Everyday can be a battle to breath and survive. This is a space to share, rant and come to terms with my everyday challenges and thoughts.

Random Times

I started off the day really down, struggling to get up. I kept waking up like I had to be somewhere, I know deep down I should be at university. It doesn’t help the depression being taken out of everyday activities.

I went to the Doctors today she was nice, I didn’t manage to tell her everything but it was enough to get a diagnosis and some citrolpram tablets.

I had a good time with Mike today we always seem to end up kissing in the same place. We went on to sja together and got signed up for duties that I didn’t want to do. Then, had Debbie trying to teach me how to use medical gases and airways. I tried putting her in her place didn’t work very well.

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Good Day

Today has been a good day as I spent most of it with Mike, we didn’t do much but it was nice just to cuddle up and chill. I love him so much and I am glad that Dad approves, Mum is worried about our holiday together. But what happens, happens and I don’t care.

Another day not talking to the Coventry lot they seem to be getting on without me which will make it harder when I go back. It is going to be hard enough with people asking questions.

Tomorrow I see the GP, I am worried that I am going to chicken out, after feeling so positive today. But I know that as soon as I go back to Coventry that the thoughts will come back. That’s why I like being at home as I am not at risk to myself here but I can’t handle being at home much as I can’t continue lying to Mum and Dad.

I have found a job, should keep me busy for a while over the summer. Dad seems excited about the concept of working with me maybe it’s the showing me off to all the ambulance crews. Right now I am ashamed of myself and I don’t feel like meeting people I might be working with in the future.

I am finding that writing things down helps as it sorts things out in my head and gets it out in the open as I tend to bottle things up. That’s why talking therapies don’t work with me.

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Home

I came home today, I couldn’t face those four walls anymore, I would end up driving myself crazy. Being at home mum will make me eat healthy food and look out for me. Driving home I seemed to go into tunnel vision, I nearly went into the back of someone, he went mad despite not hitting his car.

I saw Debz and Kerrie on my way to get my car; I think they were on their way to the house. I have hardly spoke to them I wonder what it will be like when we move into the house together.
I saw Mike today, him just being here I felt tones better. I feel happy when he is around seeing him is about the only things I look forward to these days.

I am trying to build bridges with Lucy and Debz if I show them I am sorting myself out. I do want them as friends as apart from them I don’t have anyone in Coventry that I can trust. I know that I have hurt them but am trying to get them to remember that I am not out to hurt anyone and I can’t help it sometimes.

Being suspended has been the wake up call I have needed. I knew I did have a problem but tried to manage it in my own way by covering it up. When I was on placement I was getting extremely bad self harm thoughts just to get away from Wayne. It started to affect my work by not putting in my best into it. With Kate I didn’t get as many thoughts as she was building on my confidence and I felt I was learning. She came up with the solutions to my problems even though my final report wasn’t as good as I know it should be but all I need is a pass. Kate wants me to go to Dordon I am sure I will come on leads and bounds.

Looking forward to tomorrow as have the day with Mike, I am not sure what we are going to do but might suggest that we have a wonder down town past the jewellery shops as rings. I know it seems that it is too early to think about marriage but it feels right to me.

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Down

I am feeling very down tonight. I didn’t manage to get out much today my card didn’t work and then I got looked out. I went down town, I felt very self-conscious with my face being bruised. I was looking at books in the bookshop about depression. One book said that you shouldn’t give anti-depressants on the first consultation but I want them, I feel they are right for me. I hope that since it has been months that I need intervention.

I feel so lonely at the moment; I have hurt all my friends now none of them are there for me anymore. Lucy just thinks I am an attention seeker. I feel really guilty for putting them through this. Lucy doesn’t seem to understand that I can’t help this. Debz will talk to me but there is an atmosphere I get a hello and no conversation. I just want them to treat me like normal then at least I have something I can really on being the same. But I don’t know if I can face everyone again after what has happened.

I don’t want to die but I feel the need to hurt myself just to get out of this situation but I know deep down it wont and I don’t want to make things worse.

I miss Michael so much, when I am with them every worry disappears and I don’t get thoughts about hurting myself. Maybe I should quit and then I can spend more time with him. I saw a job today that would be perfect but I would mean giving up the paramedic dream but maybe Wayne is right maybe I am not cut out for being a paramedic.

I struggled to get up this morning. I didn’t see the point as I am not doing anything. But what makes it worse is that I think too much before going to sleep. It is a sign of depression, I was in denial before and now I am facing it.

I still think about when/if I go back to university. I don’t know how I will be accepted back and what will happen about the work I have missed. I have a feeling when I do I will fail which wont help matters. But will we have to see.

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